I was never comfortable with myself; with “what” I am. I felt judged. I felt hated. I felt…alone. I lost so much in my life simply because I didn’t know how to handle who I was/am. This feeling never goes away completely. Especially since the judgment is always somewhere. From friends, my own family, & I’m sure from strangers (if they knew). Sometimes I feel like the wave of disappointment swallows me and I can’t re-surface. Other times, I don’t care.
I’ve only started getting over what happened in my Junior year of High School. That had changed my life drastically, so it will always be there, haunting me. There were times where I thought I could confine in someone who will be there for me 100% of the time only to be shot down again with SOMETHING. It’s no wonder why it terrifies me to tell people about “the thing”. There’s always “I don’t care, but I don’t believe LGBT’s should get married”, or “Of course I’ll be there for you” and then they’re not. Always that something.
Now, to swerve off subject a little, and then go back to it — I’ve always been told “Online friends aren’t real friends. They can’t be there for you.” Bull…
If it wasn’t for any of my online pals, I don’t know where I would be today (if I were to be here at all). They’ve been the most understanding, supportive people I know. They’ve either been there themselves or they really don’t care one way or the other if someone’s bi/gay or not. They showed up in my life right around the time I was first starting to struggle with all of this. It was the support group I had been praying for. I was losing my (high shcool) friends and didn’t know where to turn. I could turn to them. Not one day goes by where I don’t thank God for sending them to me. Every single one of them. They’re the ones I know I can turn to for anything. When I feel really lost, I just remind myself that I have people scattered around this country (and other countries) that will be there.
I felt being mushy…. I love you guys <3
This is about a girl I like…
“Brown eyes cannot see past these
Blue depths that long to say so much.
This forced smile hides desire I
Hold for you and you cannot tell.
This heart of mind skips several beats
Just by the simplicity
Of you walking by.
Every time you laugh aloud I resist the
Urge to reach out
For you. I resist it all.
Terror fills my soul at the mere
Thought of getting too close.
You pull me in as days go by and
I cannot seem to step back.
My blood boils because I vowed
Myself to never let my heart
Go this far again.
Your welcoming disposition makes
Things twice as hard to fight.
I should take two steps back
Instead I took one giant leap forward.
I did not mean to,
I hardly even wanted to.
My heart already took the plunge.
You struggle to see past this internal
Fire inside of me, so I’ll say this now.
This One fell down.”
Written by: Katy Wesley ~ 2011